


You Before Me

by marbledaesthetics



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Reunification, Swearing, a bad break up, a wild combination of commitment issues and abandonment issues, anxiety attack, ex-lovers, high school sweethearts, implied alcohol consumption, implied sexual situations, soft angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25513423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marbledaesthetics/pseuds/marbledaesthetics
Summary: Ashton and Vin, old high school sweethearts, cross paths again for the first time in years at a party
Relationships: Ashton Irwin/Original Character(s), Ashton Irwin/Original Female Character(s)





	You Before Me

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote most of this in like 2 hours then refused to edit it for over a week because that’s how I am, this is a playlist of songs that inspired/reminded me of/vibed with this fic https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Fplaylist%2F3mrDEVDipJ30R9cKEGonna%3Fsi%3Dqko1UyxtRn-FAbkYlcCvPg&t=MTgwNGE0NWRlYTEwMmQ5Njc3ZjI3ODIzOTc2YTA5YjhhZWM1NWZjMyx2YjRZWDQ5Uw%3D%3D&b=t%3AYz7V1mOKrlltPx_yyWsbKg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fmarbledaesthetics.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F618859102167285760%2Fyou-behind-me&m=1&ts=1595706769 (if you have any songs that this reminds me of, feel free to leave an ask and I’ll listen to it)

“Who’s that?” Michael interrupts the ongoing conversation to point out someone that Ashton can’t quite see. “I feel like I should know her.”

“It’s an open party, she’s probably a friend of someone.” Calum leans toward Mike, trying to see who he noticed as Ash leans back to his previous position against the counter, having given up on trying to spot her. 

Just as he’s going back to his conversation, Luke says, “Black jeans, green crop top, leather jacket. She’s standing just in front of the stairs.”

The second he sees her, Ashton whips around to look anywhere but the girl who seems to catch everyone’s eye. He tries to play it off as turning away to sneeze and prays none of the guys question it. He keeps his head low and his drink close to his face, hoping no one recognizes her.

—

_31 January 2011_

_Ashton groaned in frustration as the bell rang. It was the first day of the term, and he was late. He hadn’t looked at the room number for his English class before heading to the English wing, and by the time he realized that his teacher’s classroom was put in the History wing because of spacing issues, he didn’t have time to make it on time._

_He was only a few seconds late, but the teacher, an older woman with a stern expression, glared as he moved to the only open seat left. He was glad it was near the back, knowing that people could only stare for so long, but he was bright red as he sunk into his seat, wishing the desk would swallow him whole._

_The teacher, Mrs. Hamil, kept her introductions brief, going right into explaining the book they’d be reading. Ashton was hardly paying attention, still embarrassed by his entrance, when he heard her say, “You will be working on this project in partners, so you’d best get to know your neighbor because you’ll be seeing a lot of them.”_

_Ashton looks at the girl in the desk next to him for the first time. She’s tall, he probably only has an inch or two on her, and her long, black curls frame her face. She smiles at him lightly, and says, “I’m Lavinina, but if you call me that, we’ll have problems.”_

_Ashton chuckles lightly, grateful for the distraction and says, “It’s a pretty name, but if you hate it so much, I could just call you Vin.”_

_“Most people just call me Nina, but I’ll roll with it.” Everything in her mannerisms screams “relaxed” and Aston can’t help but love how easy their conversation is._

_“I’m Ashton.”_

—

“She does look familiar. Ash, do you know?” Calum turns to him, and Ashton immediately knows he’s busted. “I know that face. Come on, spill. Who is she?”

“No one. I think I might’ve seen her in passing, but I thought she was someone else at first glance.” Ash hopes the lie is enough for them to let the matter drop before they call him on his bullshit, but they do him one better: they urge him to go talk to her.

“She’s hot, what’s the harm? She looks like she’d be your type.” Ashton barely hears Luke as he searches for the quickest escape plan as she starts in their direction.

“I’m gonna go outside. It’s getting cramped in here.” He knows the excuse is lame, but he doesn’t hesitate to leave his drink on the counter and duck out the back door.

He goes to sit with some people around a bonfire when he feels something lightly brush his arm. “Hey.”

He turns to see the only person at the party he was avoiding— Vin, standing in front of him looking gorgeous as ever, but mildly pissed.

—

_20 March 2011_

_“Irwin, you fucking cunt!”_

_Ashton is laughing, trying to stay upright while Vin pushes at him, still soaked. “Language. There are children.”_

_“Ash you are the child. Spraying me with the hose? Really?” She finally succeeds in getting him on the ground, but Ashton quickly grabs her wrist, pulling her down with him._

_“Why fancy meeting you here,” he says teasingly, looking up at her._

_“You’re a dork.” She rolls her eyes at her best friend, shifting slightly so she can look at him better, but making no moves to get off of him._

_Ashton chuckles at the quip, pushing some hair that’s hanging down back behind her ear. “You love me for it.” He panics slightly when he realizes he wants to kiss her, not wanting to sacrifice their friendship over his feelings._

_She glances down at his lips from her place above him, thinking the same thing as Ashton. She quickly glances back up to his eyes, feeling her face grow warm knowing she got caught. Impulsively she leans in, kissing him gently._

—

“It’s nice to see that you remember me, Ash, but I’m not about to pretend I don’t have a bone to pick with you.” She’s looking at him with one eyebrow raised, her hands in her back pockets, while Ashton continues to stare at her, dumbfounded, as he grapples for words to say.

“How are you here?” He knows he sounds like an idiot, but it’s all he can manage to sputter out.

“It’s an open party,” she says nonchalantly, gesturing for them to sit in the lawn chairs a few feet from the doorway they’re blocking. 

Ashton rolls his eyes at the comment and plops into a chair, running his fingers through his hair. “I meant the country more than the party, Vin.” The feel of her name on his tongue after so many years felt strange, but he couldn’t help but relish in the nostalgia it brought.

“You’re not the only one who can uproot their life, Ash. Maybe you would know that if you had ever bothered to come back.”

The comment stings, and he knows that she meant for it to. He rakes up his hair again, but he still can’t think of anything to say to her. She deserves a good explanation, but there isn’t one, so he settles on “It was a really shitty thing to do.”

“That’s a start, but you know I won’t let you leave it at that.” She’s laughing, soft, but clear and bright, and the sound sends him back in time, to when he thought that sound was all he’d ever need in life. Something in the back of his mind tells him that maybe it still is.

—

_22 November 2011_

_“I’m sorry babe— you’re a great tutor and all, but I think I’m doomed. I’m just gonna pray for a passing grade and move on with my life. What am I gonna do with algebra, anyway?” Vin ran her fingers through his hair while he buried his face in her lap, frustrated that he got yet another problem wrong._

_“What are you gonna do without it?”_

_He looked up at her amused expression, nuzzling her hip lightly, placing a gentle kiss to the skin peeking out above the band of her shorts. “I’ll be a stripper, duh.”_

_The tease cracks her up, and Ashton giggles as she clutches her side and tears fall from the corners of her eyes, falling sideways on the bed._

_Vin’s finally starting to calm down when Ashton pounces, tickling her until she’s flailing and begging him to stop. He relents, allowing her a few seconds to catch her breath before kissing her. He places light pecks to her face before capturing her lips softly._

_After pulling away, Ashton trails sweet kisses along her neck and collarbones, nipping lightly and the base of her neck. “You know, I could think of something more fun than studying for my algebra final.”_

_“Yeah? And what would that be?” she teases lightly. “I’m not sure I can think of anything more fun than this textbook.” She pulls the textbook and binder closer to them, and Ashton gently shuts them both before dumping them rather unceremoniously on the floor._

_This sends her into a fit of giggles before she pulls his face back to hers, kissing him deeply._

—

“Why did you come?” The question earns him an eye roll, but he still can’t get his head around the fact that Vin is here, in LA, all these years later.

“I got tired of waiting for you to come back.” The answer is simple, but he knows she chose each word carefully, just to make sure he felt as bad as he should. “I spent years waiting, thinking that maybe we would run into each other one day and how you would explain why you just left. I kept thinking that if you explained yourself well enough, maybe things could go back to how they were.” The last part is quiet, an afterthought, and the self consciousness she wears looks wrong to Ashton. Vin was supposed to be confident, cocky, but sitting in front of him, playing with her necklace, she looked like she would shatter if he looked at her for too long.

“I don’t know what to say to you. You deserve an explanation. You deserve a reason for why I just left, but I honestly don’t know if I can give you one.” Ashton can see her shrinking further in on herself, and despite every piece of his soul aching to comfort her, he pushes on, knowing he needs to say this before he can’t bring himself to hurt her anymore. “I can’t give you the explanation you deserve because _you didn’t deserve it._ I broke every promise I ever made to you, and you never did anything to deserve that.”

“You said you’d come back.” She’s still quiet, and her voice wavers like she’s on the verge of tears. It kills Ash to know that he did this to her. He broke her so bad that she’s barely the person she was.

“Let’s get out of here.” He stands and reaches out to gently pull to her feet. “This isn’t the place for this.”

Vin sniffles and nods, and Ashton can see that she’s fighting to keep herself together. He can’t help himself anymore and pulls her to his chest, cradling her and stroking her hair.

He leads her around the house to avoid his friends and gently guides her into his passenger seat, reaching over to buckle her in before he gets into the car.

“I could have done that myself, you know.” She’s gotten some of her fire back, but Ashton knows that there still isn’t any intention behind her tone.

“I know.” She looks away at his response, and Ashton turns his attention back to the road, keeping the radio soft despite their lack of conversation.

As soon as he shifts into park, Vin is out of the car, standing as far away as she can manage without stepping off the pavement. She follows Ash to the house, never taking her eyes off him. He knows her mind is whirling, but he decides not to say anything as he gestures for her to enter. 

He shuts the door behind him, kicking off his shoes and tossing his keys and wallet into a bowl by the door. Vin stands awkwardly nearby, looking around, but not making any move to go any further than the foyer. 

“You can come in, you know. This might take a while,” Ashton says as he moves to sit.

She takes a minute before she chooses a seat near Ashton, refusing to obey his suggestions immediately. She leans forward, elbows on her knees and runs a hand through her dark curls, sighing deeply. “Start talking. I want to know what happened in those few months that made you decide that ghosting me was your best option.”

Ashton is almost relieved at the anger in her voice, knowing he won’t be able to say his piece if he could see how much he was hurting her.

“It really was just supposed to be a few months. It was an incredible opportunity to go to London and write. We spent almost all of our time writing— we hardly made time to eat— and that’s when the calls slowed down. At first, it was easy. The guys were calling home, too, so I always had the time. But, eventually, they didn’t take the time, so I had to find that time. I had to choose between you and sleeping, so the calls couldn’t happen every day.” Ash was looking everywhere but Vin the entire time he’d been talking. He needed to get everything on the table for her— she deserved to know. 

“You were drifting away, and I tried to stop it— I really did. Eventually, I just couldn’t handle the annoyed texts and seeing the missed calls. I drove myself insane reading between lines that weren’t there, so I stopped. I turned my phone off completely for a week to just let myself breathe. That was the week One Direction reached out to invite us to open for them. The guys were ecstatic— we all were, I knew that another nine months away would hurt both of us, so I blocked your number as soon as I could.

“When we came back, I didn’t reach out. I wasn’t able to face you.” When Ashton finally turned to face her, he didn’t know what he was expecting, but the annoyed eye roll he was met with was pretty low on the list.

“You couldn’t face me?” The mockery dripped off the words, and Ashton nearly flinched. “After everything we did, all that we talked about, you couldn’t manage to look the girl who was head-over-heels in love with you in the eye and apologize for every promise you were about to break?”

“I knew how much me leaving would hurt you, and I couldn’t stand to watch you break.” It was a shitty excuse for a shitty thing, but Ashton couldn’t help but plead for her to understand how he’d felt. “I was a kid up against this monstrous thing, so I ran. I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t do that to you.”

“I broke anyway, Ash. I absolutely _shattered_ when I realized you weren’t going to talk to me.” She’s calmer now, able to articulate what she’d been carrying with her for so many years. Ashton can tell that she’s going into something well practiced. She’s had all the time she could possibly need to think of what she needed to tell him and was jumping at the chance. “I wasn’t mad about the missed calls, Ash. I knew you were busy, and I know that you were barely calling your mom either. Sure, I was bummed because I missed you, but I just kept thinking about how great it would be when you got back, how we would have all of year twelve together.”

Ashton knew she was looking right after him, but he couldn’t find the courage to face her.

When she saw he wasn’t going to defend himself or respond, she kept going. “I gave it a few days after you’d gotten back before I swung by, give you some time to sleep off the jet lag and spend time with your family. I was so fucking excited before when I went over to yours; I was driving my parents insane. When I finally went over, you weren’t even home. Your mom told me you were at Michael’s. She also said you had told her that you’d seen me the day before.”

Ash looked at the floor. He had lied to his mom about seeing her so she would push trying to keep the relationship up. He’d made his decision and didn’t want anyone to try to change his mind. 

“I was at the airport the day you left.” Ashton finally looked up at her, but Vin was looking at the pictures he had set up around the room, lost in her memory. “I wanted to see you one last time, tell you I was proud of you and that I wished you the best even though you put me through hell.” She looks back to him and fiddles with her necklace. “I wanted to kiss you one last time for good luck and tell you that I was so fucking proud of you. I knew that you didn’t want to keep us up, you made that clear, but I wanted to make sure you were well and that you knew that not everyone back home thought you were lame.”

Ashton can’t help but smile at the jab, but he has a distinct note of sadness in his features. “I thought that seeing you again to tell you what I thought you already knew would be cruel. I didn’t want to hurt you, Vin.” His voice broke off at the end, but he kept his gaze focused on her’s. “I really did mean well. I thought what I was doing was best.”

“I’m not entirely sure if it even pays to tell you this because you’ve already apologized, but I want you to know that I’ve been eating myself alive since you left trying to find closure. That’s all I’ve ever really needed.” Vin’s voice cracks slightly as she pleads with him, trying desperately to make him understand what she went through. “I’ve fantasized about being us again, but I know how slim those chances are, Ash. I swear to you that I know that, but I need the closure of you saying it to my face. I deserve that.”

She looks at Ashton expectantly, but he’d be lying if he said he knew what she wanted to hear. He had explained himself, walked her through those few months, but clearly she thought something important had gone unsaid, something that she needed bad enough to chase him across the world to hear.

“What should I say?”

Vin laughed slightly, but this time, the sound was hollow. “You may have grown up, but clearly you’re still thick as ever. I need you to tell me if you still love me or not because if I don’t know, this is never going to stop; I’m going to keep driving myself insane.”

Ashton sees the look on her face he remembers all too well— her walls are up, and she’s not letting them down for anyone.

—

_16 September 2011_

_“What’s wrong, babe?” Ashton frowned down at Vin, sliding into his desk and placing a hand on her shoulder._

_Vin started at his touch, eyes jumping to him. He could see her breathe deeply while she put on a smile that didn’t light up her features the way it normally would. “What do you mean? Nothing’s wrong.”_

_“You can’t fool me, babe. What’s on your mind?” The concern in his voice was genuine, but Vin never faltered._

_“It’s nothing, Ash. I was just zoning out.” Her words are short, and she goes back to facing forward, effectively icing Ashton out. She clearly didn’t want to talk, and Ashton has to fight every instinct he has to let her simmer in her feelings when he knows they will overtake her soon._

_The bell rang to begin class, so Ashton let the matter drop for the time being, focusing on the lecture of the day._

_When class was finally dismissed, Vin shot out of her seat and was out the door before Ashton could even grab his bag. Defeated, he trudged through his day, trying to push aside how Vin avoided him for the rest of the day._

_The minutes crawled by, but when last period finally finished, Ashton was quick to meet Vin at her locker before she had the chance to leave. She looked ready to yell at him to leave her alone as soon as she saw him, but he quickly cut her off with a sweet kiss on her cheek. “How’s my girl?”_

_She looked at him like he’d lost it, but responded with a quiet, “Fine, I guess.”_

_“Do you wanna come over to mine? Harry and Lauren are both staying at friends’, and I’d like some time with you to myself.” She looked at him skeptically, as if she thought he must be kidding, then crouched down to grab another book from the bottom of her locker._

_“Sure.” Ashton dimmed slightly at how soft her voice was, but quickly bounced back when she stood, slinging an arm around her shoulders._

_They stayed quiet most of the walk to his house, occasionally making small talk that died quickly. Vin kept most of her answers to single words, drifting away from the conversation as soon as it demanded any real thought._

_Ashton worried the whole while, trying to understand why she was pushing so hard to keep her thoughts to herself. How quiet she was worried him— she usually rambled whenever someone gave her the chance._

_Once they were inside Ashton headed for his room, dumping his things next to the door. “Do you—” he stopped when he realized Vin was no longer behind him like she usually would be._

_He headed back the way he came, slowing when he saw her standing with her arms wrapped tightly around herself just inside the front door. “Babe?”_

_Vin jumped out of her skin at his voice, squeaking quietly. Ashton froze for a minute, confused why she seemed terrified of him. He cautiously moved forward, peering at her delicate features as if she would crumble if he made any sudden moves._

_“Vin, you aren’t okay. Can you please let me in?” Ashton pleaded. “I just want to make your pain go away.”_

_She looked up, a new harshness in her expression as she snapped, “You can’t make it go away, Ash. This isn’t something you can just fix. I don’t want to talk about it; I want to do anything but think about it. I want you to stop acting like I’ll break. I am fine.”_

_Ashton backed off, resisting the urge to throw his hands up in surrender. “Alright. That’s okay. We can just watch a movie or something and chill.”_

_Her expression relaxed slightly, nodding. “I’m sorry for yelling.” Her voice was meek, and her tone broke made Ashton’s heart break._

_He pulled her into a hug, kissing her temple and running his fingers through her hair. “Nothing to be sorry for, doll. Just know that I really do want to help, so if I can do anything for you, just say the word.”_

—

“I know how long ago this was, Ash. I’ve seen you look so happy with other people; you’ve looked happy without me. I can accept that you’re happy, Ashton. I’m a big girl; I can handle this, but I need you to say it.” 

She smooths her hands over the back of her neck as she speaks before bringing them back to the chain resting there, and Ashton realizes what it is— the locket he gave her for their anniversary, a small heart with flowers engraved on the front. The sight of it makes his chest tight as he roughly cards his hands through his hair again.

“I can’t, Vin. We’ve tried this, remember? I didn’t have it in me to keep this up.” Vin pulls back and looks at him with a puzzled expression. “I pushed you out of my head, Vin, because _we’ve already tried._ ” He’s looking her in the eyes now, pleading for her to let this be dead. 

“What do you mean you _can’t,_ Ash? How am I supposed to take that?” Her voice is level, but her heart is pounding, and Ashton knows she’s fighting to keep her face indifferent.

“I’m always working, Vin. We never stop touring, and when we finally do, I’m in the studio almost all the time. This job never stops, and there is always going to be distance. That’s what broke us in the first place. You deserve someone who will be there for you, and I can’t do that from a different time zone. I’m not good for you, and I can’t handle breaking your heart again, Vin. It would break _me._ ” 

Ashton turns to face her, tucking a stray curl behind her ear and cradling her face as he speaks. “I’m really sorry about what I did, and I want you to know that I’m not just saying that because you’re here. You don’t have to forgive me, but just know that I really am sorry.”

“Do you still love me?” Vin’s voice is smaller than she intended, but she can’t help but ask. She doesn’t want to get her hopes up, but she can’t help that glimmer at how he’s dodging her question.

“I can’t tell you.” Ashton pulls away from her. He knows he sounds cold, but he can’t give her an answer he isn’t sure of. He refuses to lead her on again. “I can’t tell you because _I don’t know._ It’s been so long, but as much as I try, I can never seem to put you behind me, so that must be something, right? You’ve found your way into my lyrics, my thoughts, and every time I think you’re gone, you pop up again. I used to screw up mid-show because I would think I had spotted your face in the crowds.”

His thoughts are spiraling as he rambles on, and Vin is at too much of a loss of words to stop him. He’s pacing the room, gesturing wildly with his arms. “But, at the same time, we already failed once because I fucked up and just couldn’t do it, and it isn’t fair to put you through that again.” 

“Ash, stop,” she finally says, snapping herself into action, standing from her place on the couch. She puts her hands on his shoulders, but he fights her grip, continuing to pace as his words start to border on nonsensical. “Ashton, please, you’re going to work yourself into a panic attack. You don’t need to know, just look at me, please!”

Ashton pulls himself back to reality enough to stop talking, allowing Vin’s touch to ground him, but he’s still shifting nervously in front of her.

“I shouldn’t have pushed so hard; I’m sorry. Let’s get you some water and let you calm down a bit, yeah?” 

He allows Vin to gently pull him in the kitchen, sitting on a bar stool quietly as his thoughts continue to race in the room’s silence. He watches blankly as she opens cabinets until she finds a glass, lost in his thoughts. He nearly jumps out of his skin when she brushes his arm, drawing his attention to the glass of water she has set in front of him.

She sits with him as he drinks, watching him carefully for a few minutes before speaking. “Is it okay if I keep talking about this, or is that going to be too much right now?” She phrases her question gently, no longer sure what he needs when this happens or of how much he can handle.

“‘S okay,” he mumbles around the edge of the glass. “I think I need you to say something so this makes some sort of sense.”

Vin nods, starting lightly. “I know it’s been a long time. We’ve grown up so much that we hardly know each other anymore. But, if what happened last time is the main thing holding you back, know that it really shouldn’t be.” He starts to say something, but she presses a hand to his back, rubbing softly, and continues, her tone gentle, but firm. “I am not saying that you don’t have a reason to be worried, but I’ve already told you the missed calls or the unread texts never upset me. We’re older now, and if this is something you are really willing to try, it could work. I’m old enough to tell you that I’m willing to take the chance of getting hurt by you again. This isn’t a blind decision, Ash. I know what I’m signing up for.”

Ash continues to stare into his water glass, letting her words sink in. Part of him feels the same hope that he can hear in her words, that maybe they could have what they had again, but he still doesn’t know how to feel.

“We’d have to go slow,” he says slowly, thinking over each word carefully. “You can’t just fly into this like you do with everything else. We should really start from scratch because you were right before when you said we really don’t know each other anymore. I don’t want this to die out in a few months because we thought we could just pick up where we left off.”

“Of course.” Vin slides her hand down to rub his arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “We can take this as slow as we need. We can just be friends for a while if you want. There is no reason to rush this.”

Ashton smiles slightly, his anxieties beginning to fade into tiredness, wanting nothing but to wash the remnants of the attack off and sleep through the crash. “This might be breaking the baby-steps rule, but will you stay? I kinda want to just hold you for a while, and maybe we could grab breakfast together in the morning.”

Vin grins at the childish hope on his face. “Of course, rockstar. That sounds great.” 


End file.
